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Empty Arms Are Empty Arms

Yes, we chose this.  Yes, we were told starting out how long this process would be. Yes, we knew we would still be a family of 2 for Christmas this year. But, empty arms are still empty arms.

I wasn't told how bad I would ache. I wouldn't know looking at our beautiful tree how much would feel missing this year. Two ornaments hang in anticipation of a little to know they were thought about long before we had a face and a name. We don't know him...her...them? but we wait with heavy expectation for the Christmas when they delight in the lights, songs, food, family and friends and ultimately in Jesus.


Advent has had a deeper meaning this year. I understand the ache and the anticipation just a little clearer. The excitement of the celebration is fogged a bit with the "not yet." I've found myself prayerfully whispering, "Come, Lord Jesus, Come" and simultaneously "Bring them home, Lord Jesus, Soon." I ache with the groaning world for our savior to come and also for our family to grow.

We've received different reactions when we say that there is an ache this season but earlier this week an instagram "friend" reminded me that empty arms are still empty arms. She knows this same ache and just expressing the simple understanding freed me to ache with anticipation.Regardless of how we got to this point, our arms ache to hold our child/children close and tell them about Christmas. We ache to buy the presents we know they'll love, sing songs that bring big grins, to celebrate advent as a family.

Each week of advent the words have sunk a little deeper.

We have hope in Jesus who has come and also in His final triumphant return. We have hope in one day growing our family through adoption.

In knowing Jesus a little more, we have found deeper peace. In relinquishing control, I realize it is an illusion. In giving up and letting go, we have found more peace.

But coupled with this hope is joy. Joy that Christ was born, he has saved and he now reigns! We have joy in the wait and hope of our family growing. We will one day revel in the joy of littles laughing and signing along side us. We have joy as we walk deeper and deeper into a dependent relationship on Jesus who has come that we might have life!

We love more deeply. As we have walked farther into the adoption process I've come to love Jesus so much more. As we've studied attachment and bonding issues I've seen more clearly my heart that struggles to know the infinite love of my Father. I see my depravity and it draws me deeper to Him.

Merry Christmas to our sweet child/children! Christmas has arrived Uganda!! We pray, if you're born that you would know how deeply loved you are by your loving Father. We pray for your birth mom and dad that they would know Jesus' deep love this Christmas.


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