We promise to remain transparent in our adoption including the good the bad and the ugly...today it's the ugly and vulnerable. Please see our struggling hearts as we trust God with all the adoption decisions.
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Our current struggle is this sense of guilt over "choosing" a child. I've been struggling with guilt ever since our home visit. For days it consumed me, I hid it, wrestled with it and let it cloud the Truth we've been following since the beginning. I finally crawled out of my hole and asked Chris if he's feeling the same. His guilt isn't as overwhelming and frequent but he has felt it also.
At our home visit we were asked what "kind" of child we were willing to adopt. Age and gender and number of kids was easy to answer but we had to go deeper. Would we accept a child with down syndrome? Missing limbs? Missing digits? Developmental or learning issues? Autism? Medical issues both large and small? HIV? We were honest in what we felt like we could handle but it left me with a sick feeling. If I get pregnant, we will love, cherish and celebrate while still hoping for a healthy child. Could/should we extend the same parameters for our adoption? We had discussed our desires numerous times, prayed fervently and felt God leading us in the decisions. We were prepared, had ready answers but both left the meeting with a deep guilt. Our social worker was extremely positive and encouraging, she commented numerous times that our parameters are much more broad than most families she works with.
I've prayed this verse for days (Psalm 61:2) We've both been praying about our guilt and the parameters we established and don't feel God asking us to change our parameters. This has led us to believe this guilt comes directly from Satan. Our dear friends have encouraged us and helped us to see that we are trusting God with all our decisions. It has been extremely to talk with other adoptive families who have walked this same struggle. I have been reminded of John 10:10 which says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." Jesus would you give that peace? Would you help us to see the life in this adoption and replace our guilt with joy! We praise you for the child you planned, before the beginning of time, to graft into our family! While the guilt will still creep in, we are choosing joy in knowing each day we are a step closer to meeting that sweet face!
We wanted to adopt a child under the age of two- until we saw her photo... The little girl we are trying to bring home is almost 6! God will show you your child, then you will know. At that point, your parameters will change if needed.
ReplyDeleteAs a mama in the middle of adopting a little boy with DS, I can assure you I felt the same way. And we were even pursuing a specific child, so the "deciding" what we were okay with was kind if a formality. But the liar is SO crafty and I felt guilty and selfish. But the truth is, the YES is so much bigger than the no. YES to forever being a conspicuous family, YES to a grieving heart, YES to a second chance, YES to redeeming a life, YES to growing and stretching as a family in hard but good ways, YES to a great big scary unknown and YES to always trusting our God is bigger and will provide the strength we need. You're right -- we should focus on our YES and choose joy! (Obviously while always allowing our hearts to be open to God's will!)
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